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Ryan Air… Oh The Joy! – When I went on holiday in August I travelled with Ryan Air. Before you leave and never return to my site citing lack of taste and sanity as good reason I must confess that I did not buy the tickets. There is quite obviously a stigma attached to Ryan Air or rather low cost airlines in general but I tried to put that to the back of my mind as I have always had pretty good flights from cheaper airlines – once my ears have become immune (i.e. deafened) to the sound of babies wailing, English people talking loudly and the muffled audio of the flight attendants microphone that is.

However! I have never been fully satisfied with airlines in general and the best ones I have been on have to be American Airlines and Air Tours (may be wrong though, I was 6 and the pilot took me into the cockpit and picked me up and put me in the engine as a gift – shows you how long ago that was, before the days of the bearded man they call Osama), so maybe I am just picky. I have flown with Ryan Air twice now, the first time was actually OK, and I would give them a 6/10 overall – good service but no perks, you know what I mean you filthy bastard). The first time was pretty cool actually, one of the flight attendants showed me the peep hole in the toilet door but that is a different story. This time however was different.

I have a tradition which I started last year which was to treat myself to a bottle of Champagne on every flight I go on. Costly yes but I am not generally the one who pays. I expected to pay astronomical prices for it… I would have paid astronomical prices for it, but much to my dismay when the menu card was passed around Champagne was not on the list. Instead it had been replaced by “Sparkling Wine”. Vague. Very vague indeed. No indication of how much, what percentage or anything. Price? £7.20. I opted for a Coors Light instead which cost £3.20 and was completely full of froth due to the pressure. Somebody wants to fuck with me today!

So I settle in trying to slurp my way through 4 inches of froth while looking out of the window and being gently put to sleep by a smell I do not even want to discover and the sound of a Birmingham accent reverberating in my ear. Only an hour and a half to go! I’ve got no eye candy to entertain me as all of the cabin crew were overweight and had faces which resembled a plasticised Barbie doll (a common industry trait I have discovered). The window is my friend. In all fairness this was all on the outbound flight and the flight back was actually a little better. It could only really get worse by a mass hijack at this rate… or so I thought.

I like to record my events on my little Enova HD camera. A solid state disk recording device which emits no signals or frequencies whatsoever. I have done this for the past 5 flights I have been on since I bought the camera and have had no issues. I want to remember my journey and share it with the world. Jesus did that, do I think I am Jesus? No. Do you think I am a terrorist? Clearly you do!

So I am sat there recording the final approach with the camera gently pressed up to the window. The captain announces that landing will commence in 5 minutes and as the cabin crew do there checks the most “unsightly” one of the gang told me to stop recording as it was a “security risk” and a “matter of security” that I cease recording out of the window immediately. Perhaps if I was to be recording the cockpit then maybe, but my camcorder is quite clearly pointed out of the window instead of at you. Rules are rules though and I wasn’t drunk enough to argue with her (plus my family where there as this was possibly the last family holiday I would  be going on) so I switched the camera off in front of her and nodded politely. Classy. Clearly somebody was a little upset that the bacon breakfast sold out within the first 10 rows as she kept hawking back to me and giving me the most disgusted look I have ever seen! There were people two rows behind me with mobile phones on recording the landing but Mrs. Security was circumscribed to the fact that I was the Devil Defying orders. This pissed me off as I am a law biding citizen who would, unlike most people, respect the rules which are enforced on me (for the most part).

That was the end of her along with my hellish flight. For 2 weeks anyway. Whenever I thought about this it actually pissed me off therefore I conjured up an evil plan to get my own back without getting tased for what the liberal hippies of this world now call “beein a terrorist”. My plan was formed out of the brilliance of ancient Rome; anger the crowd and you unleash hell for the emperor. If you’ve ever been to a toilet on an airplane before you’ll realise that they are simply like a Porta Potty with a vacuum attached rather than a sanitation tank. I discovered a trick about a year ago which is pretty awesome, both in it’s asshole rating and physical coolness.

1. Grab the toilet paper and roll it into the bowl of the toilet while still attached to the roll.
2. Flush.
3. Watch as the hilarity ensues.

It’s 4:08AM and I don’t want to get into the science of this marvellous idea so I’ll show you a video of what happens:

By causing the toilet to run out of toilet paper nobody would be able to wipe there ass, consequently causing mass public outcry at the levels of sanitation on board Ryan Air flights. Instead of me writing a pissy letter of hatred 100 people would. Perfect you devious fool!

On the flight back I never got a chance to pull off my cunning plan as I couldn’t be bother to be the asshole that has the window seat yet gets everybody to move just because he has to take a piss. Mission abort! My flight back was much better than the one departing, but then again it could only have gotten worse if some fucker had brought a shit load of poisonous snakes onboard and who would be stupid enough to do THAT!? Again!? There was one issue though and I am still undecided whether it was a problem or something that I was simply intrigued about. There was a hot flight attendant on the way back (only 1 from the self proclaimed airline with the most beautiful flight attendants) and as I was sitting on the front row I got a shit load of good views – one catch though, she was a real bitch. All the flight she kept talking to people like they were a sack of shit, which in her defence they probably were. We travelled from Birmingham after all. She was like one of those hard to get women – you may as well just leave them but the challenge keeps you coming back for more! That is how a woman can gain control my friends.

To sum up then we have learnt three things from this experience:

1. Never fly with Ryan Air.

2. Heaven is more expensive than Malibu – considering that when you’re in the sky prices suddenly shoot up like Sarkozy’s penis at a bikini contest.

3. Bitchy women have true power in this world – just ask Eva Braun.

My Crazy Ass Dream! Update Also – I thought that I would do a quick update but I have no idea what I should talk about as not much really happens for me from time to time. I’ve been filming a lot of stuff but have been having trouble with the Go Pro fogging up all of the time, which has led to some extremely disappointing footage. This is particularly annoying as I went on what was perhaps the most exhilarating ride I have ever been on two days ago. Oh well, there is always another perspective and I guess it gives me another chance to go again.

Seeing as I have very little else to talk about I will tell you about my dream that I had last night. I explained it to my cousin on Facebook the other day and I can say that everything you are about to read is 100% TRUE! I have no reason to lie to you.

“I was walking around marks and spencers in sheffield but all of the doors were like tiny and there was this weird cinema thing which led to a car park haha, i was in a suit though lol

Then it cut to a different kind of thing lol

I was walking up this massive cobbled street hill with [friend] and was grabbing onto this banner when these two drugged up women approached me and asked me for some weed lol

then i said i hadn’t got any and they threatened to stab me but i just kept walking up the hill lol

When i got to the top it cut again and i was in like some medieval battle scene against these two druggies haha

[friend] was there lol and he threw a spear at one of the druggies and killed them and then i heard this knocking which was the post man (*1) lol

But then it cut again and i was in this sort of supermarket and there was blood everywhere and i was with some other people but can’t remember who

Then all of a sudden this knocking was there and i went to the door, a glass door and there was terminator there but he was dressed like darth vader and i just let him in and he was the guy who killed everyone in the store and then i ate some bread

then i woke up

WTF!? dude, it was some weird ass shit haha”

(*1 = IT ACTAULLY WAS IN REAL LIFE BUT IT BECAME PART OF MY DREAM, WHICH IS WHY I WAS EXPLAINING IT TO HIM)

I know my IQ drops about 60 points during a Facebook conversation but I thought that I would be real and post the exact conversation. It was possibly one of the most surreal dreams I have ever had but I would pay good money to go back to this dream world haha.

On a different note, I have a few business interests I would like to get into and as I now know that my family and friends read this website and follow me on Twitter I am prepared to take the ridicule. I am looking at trading on the stock markets to make a bit of cash (I do know what I am doing). Also I have a special “project” coming up which I am not sure I should talk about so I won’t… yet.

I have more boring updates to post but I doubt that they actually interest anybody so I will leave it there for now. Also I opened a Facebook profile but I am using it for personal things at the moment. It could help me make the site more interactive between users however so I shall see.

For the past week I have been compiling an Alcohol Archive on my Facebook page. Basically it is a project that I thought would be cool to do, I am going to take an image of all of the different alcohol I consume from the 21^st of August. I will only take 1 picture of each and provide a short review, rating and specification of the alcohol. Not only will this be interesting for myself but hopefully someone will take use of it or it will encourage somebody to try something different for a change. I will track down different alcohols all over the world to keep this creative, so hopefully I will have a good time and you will too haha. I will probably update this every week or so until I find a better method of exhibiting the information.

21/08/10 – Asahi Super Dry 500ml – 4.8%
Origin = Japan

My favourite beer, goes with anything or on its own. Similar to most older Asian beers but with an extra kick.

Rating = 10/10

Read the rest of this entry »

Offering Help – It’s a touchy subject which I could write a lot about but seeing as it is 4:25AM and I have a bank appointment tomorrow morning which I forgot about I will sum it up quickly. I wave (nod in most cases actually) to every fellow motorcyclist I see, whether they are riding a Harley, sport bike or even a scooter. I’ve noticed that only about 30% of the people acknowledge me back now. Sad…

What’s even more annoying is the fact that people now do not stop for each other when a fellow motorcyclist is broken down. I’ve debated this with many none motorcyclists and people who ride bikes alike and my consensus is that even if you are simply stopping to provide support, a mobile phone or simply to make someone’s day a little better, then is that a bad thing? Taking a few seconds to see if somebody is alright can completely change a whole person’s perspective, day or even life. Put yourself in that person’s position. What negatives can it possibly have on you?

I decided to film my old commute on the last time i ever ride it before my move. I sped it up in the first video but if you’d like to see the full video then just browse further down. I have/had a pretty great commute really and even in rush hour it is not that bad. It’s been good to ride on you, commuting roads, but that will be the last time i go down you i’m afriad, probably ever. Hopefully ever. Changes…