Archive for the “Articles” Category

For those of you who don’t know, Don Lafontaine, known to most as “The Movie Preview guy” has died at the age of 68. I only found out about this today after looking at CollegeHumor. This was not on the news at all. Don had one of the most iconic voices of all time, doing over 5000 movie previews in his long and prestigious career. He will be missed by many, especially those who have done work in the voice-over field, either professionally or at any level, including me.

My thoughts go out to his family and friends. He was an inspiration to me for my voice-over work as i am sure he was to many others. RIP Don.

Disaster Movie - At Least They Got The Name Right:

If anyone goes to see this i will personally come and chop your nuts off for promoting this babbling bullshit. Hell, i don’t even want to write about it! But here goes…

Seriously, watching two gay men wrestle in mud then start getting off with each other would be more interesting and have a less risk of suicide than watching any movie with the name “Jason Friedberg” attached to it.

The reason why they have enough money to keep making this shit is because idiots go and watch it. In my line of work i interview people (not job intreviews… oh no, i’m not one of those), i interview them about pop culture on Radio. And i found that just about every 14 year old boy i asked had seen Epic movie, Meet the Spartans, Date movie and any other shit these guys threw out. Guess what? Just about every one of them said that “it’s right good”, “it’s right funny” or “it’s right awesome”, are we seeing a reoccurring trend here?

Also, Carmen Electra can’t act for shit, i act better than her in my email responses, pretending to be interested. Guess what? I bet i am going to be in the next movie these guys make, i wonder what would happen to me? I bet nothing would fall on my head though, i mean, how much shit can fall form the sky? Nobody would fucking expect that! Carmen Electra was at her prime when she did workout DVD’s… 10 years ago.

I of course research my articles before i write them and i had a quick check on the IMDB boards for “Jason Friedberg”:

Big surprise there! Next piece of evidence! Lets look at the ratings for these films:

Date Movie = 2.6/10 (I think that’s a record high!)

Epic Movie = 2.2/10 (Which makes it onto the Bottom Hundred ALL TIME! At a dis-respectable position of #78)

Meet the Spartans = 2.4/10

As you can see, not much has changed in the world of the inane “Spoof movie” genre. Not much has changed in the quality of “Jason Friedberg’s” directing, producing, writing and every other position he could slap his name over. “Jason” reminds me of one of those assholes who will deliberately draw over something you have written on, vying for attention and glory that stems from his deep jealousy for decent Movie making skills.

For those of you idiots who still believe that the “jokes” in his movie are funny and will say “it might just be that the actors are always shitty”. You’re obviously an asinine moron so i don’t know why i am going to answer you, but i will. For a start, try getting a new casting agent, besides from that, Alyson Hannigan, who starred in Date movie has actually got far better acting skills than these movies can ever take her. She also stars in the CBS sitcom “How I met Your Mother”, which I’ve been watching. It’s actually a really great program, now i am beginning to write horribly as I’m writing this at 4:24 in the morning. She obviously thought the same as me when she appeared in the first movie, Date Movie, and decided not to return for the sequels. More than i can say for a certain person whose name rhymes with Barman Sextra.

It’s not just “Jason” who should be taking the heat here though, his “writing partner”, who i think is called Alka Seltzer, probably because of his shitty movies he keeps chucking out at lightning speeds. I don’t really know A. Seltzers purpose or what he does; you see, on IMDB it says he writes the movies, which i find hard to believe seeing as all of his movies just seem to be improvised on the spot. I know one movie i won’t be seeing this Summer. They’ll probably have another few come out before the year is done as well. I just hope you people take joy in the fact that you are making these people millionaires for effectively destroying a whole genre.

P.S. After writing this article one of my beloved fans emailed me telling me there was already an article by this name. Obviously this was unintentional, but i am glad to see that there are at least two sane people on this planet. Here’s the article.

I hate dietitians! Gay Viagra spam and new hate mail RERUN

Well, i’m carrying on with the theme from last week about the “do gooders”. This time it’s not about religion though! What a relief. I hate writing about religion because of all the contempt i get from people about it. Like last week for example, i wrote about religion in the article “Chances are you’re going to hell!”, and although i clearly expressed that i didn’t hate Christians and i am not bothered what religion they are i was still playing the magnet to flocks of angry sheep sticking up for their Shepard (god). Take this for example:

“Sender: *****_***@hotmail.com

Subject: u fucker, burn in hell

u are a complete arse, hole, fuck you, why say god is not true? how would u now, oh ye cause u r god!, like fuck! burn in hell!

_________________________________________________
Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life. - evan_***@hotmail.com”

Well, i’m sorry evan. Maybe we can fix this problem when we meet up in hell… whoops. For the illiterate twat you are you sure know your punctuation! Read the rest of this entry »

<3 = Your ass is greater than mine

So, while i’ve been off i have been looking on some forums and generally watching idiots make… well… idiots out of themselves on YouTube, and i keep seeing this shit everywhere :D , <3 , :0, :( , 0:-) , }:-( and so on. Most of these are obvious, stupid still, but yes obvious. However a few continue to puzzle me.

<3 <3 <3

What the hell does that mean? From what i can infer that means that your ass is greater than mine. < that is lesser and the 3 looks like an ass. Added together they make: Read the rest of this entry »

So, yeah, i like a joke, but a joke is a joke and enough is enough. I wasn’t going to say anything about this whole “Rick Rolling” facade but now i am REALLY pissed off! If someone ever “rick rolls” me again i will mutilate 1000 children by adding small dosages of arsenic to hospital water systems.

If you don’t know what the phenomenon of “Rick rolling” is then i will sum it up for you shortly. What happens when a 14 year old, acne-faced nerd discovers a song which was made in the 80’s? He thinks its funny, and seen as he is 14 and has nothing better to do with his life he decides to send the video to people on IM’s and chat rooms. He calls it “Rick rolling”. Why watching a Rick Astley music video would make me “pwnd” or humiliated is best left up to the minds of the people who think it is funny… namely adolescent twats. So basically the idea is to send the video to someone, who has probably already seen the video when it was actually released, and by getting them to watch it you gain something. I don’t know what as the whole idea is way above my understanding and can only begin to be understood by a small child or animal with equivalent brain cells - a chimp.

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There is no “romantic comedy” category you morons!

For the last time people there is no such category as “romantic comedy”, the two just don’t go together! I can’t count how many bullshit movies i’ve seen that are classed as “romantic comedies”, it sends me to sleep if i try.

The “romantic comedy” category is somewhat wider than it used to be and as a result now needs a new description to verify what it is exactly. A romantic comedy is a movie which is meant to be a movie about soppy emotions like “love” and “heartache”, but is also mixed with low brow remarks and sexual references which every person with an IQ above 80 clearly and instantly recognizes as not being comedy. These deadly cocktails of a movie recipes make a precise category of “romantic comedy”… formerly known as bullshit.
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Again, sorry for the reruns but, you know, we’re busy filming, editing, writing, scavenging and basically being lazy assholes. I know, these rerun articles are terrible for their spelling and grammatical errors, which they happen to be riddled with becasue i am too much of an indolent fucktard to go and edit them. Sorry. Also the below paragraph is actually what has already taken place.
Anyway, i was recently browsing some stuff online and found loads of videos and articles and even whole sites that pissed me off. Most sites piss me off in some way but some do more than others.

Do Good/er = An act where a person is saying/telling you to do something which would seem to be good. I.E. Dietitian experts. Songs about making the world better. Most of these people do nothing about the things they are talking about, in other words they do not practice what they preach. For example most dietitian’s are fat lazy slobs who failed the recruitment program for the army, so they now try and get as much power into other peoples lives as they can to please their bruised ego’s. Read the rest of this entry »

Same again people, this is a re-run.

Anyway, aren’t you sick and tired of fat people? It’s not that i despise fat people for having no self control, making me wait longer at Burger king or even hurting my eyes. I’m just sick and tired of having to sit through a 10 minute segment every week on the news about how fat this country is becoming. But what gets me the most is that politicians and the media are constantly telling everyone to eat less and don’t become overweight, and then you have social networking sites like Myspace asking you what type of physique you have. Read the rest of this entry »

So the other day i was bored, (as usual) and as i was flicking through channels in the far out regions of satellite, channels like “Al Jazeera Kids” on 831 or something like that, i came across a game show. I hate game shows, but i like to boast how awesome i am to people, and there is no better way to do that then to shout out obnoxiously loud answers at everything that comes out of a speaker. Enter game shows.

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I will post some new stuff soon, i promise.
I am coming back from my holiday as i write this and as i was reviewing the trip i thought … what really pisses me off when i go abroad? Now last time i came back off holiday i did an article on how children screaming at hotels etc. pissed me off, so i’m giving that a miss this time. However as i try to communicate my commands to Johnny Foreigner a struggle occurs. In turn this boils my blood to an even higher temperature making me resort to using a universal language skill… swearing.

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The ultimate guide to social networking

Once again, this article was made a while back so probably is inundated with grammatical, spelling and punctuation errors. Sorry.

I have compiled the ultimate guide to setting up a social networking account. Which will be one of a few series about the internet and the things you can do to look like “da biz” while on it.

1. Choosing a Username and Password:

First things first, setting up a name. If something pops into your head it’s inspired, so pick that. Chances are your creative brain cells aren’t up to much good (your signing up so they can’t be). So your names probably taken by some suave, acne-faced teen. If it is, there’s a few things you can do. One is stick two, or even three “XXX”’s in front of your name. You’ll look like an absolute genius, surely no-one will have thought of that before.
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How to get hits on YouTube - The ultimate guide!

Once again, this article was wrote a while back. It is extremely liable to have grammatical, spelling and bullshittery errors all over the place. Sorry, I’ll change it soon.

Well this is the second “ultimate guide i’ve done now. This one is how to get hits on YouTube? This question puzzles many, and for that reason i intend to answer it. There are obviously the common, “official” ways of gaining hits on YouTube, but i have developed an understanding into the art. Which i am going to share with you. Also, this guides is meant to be ironically “lol’d” at, however if you do follow the steps it is likely that you will actually gain a lot of hits.

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I decided that i have had well over 5000 shits in my lifetime, so why not honour the best moments i have spent depositing my deadly faeces. This is a list of the top 10 funniest and weirdest dumps of my life:

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It’s not my fault your child is an evil bastard

I’ve been pondering on whether or not to do an article entirely devoted to children. Not in the sense that they’re great or anything like that, no i’m talking about how it’s not my fault that your child is an evil little bastard. As you may not know i hate children! I am glad i never was a child because i would have killed myself and a world without me is not even worth visualizing. This is not going to be an “I hate your child” article though, that is to come later. This article is going to be about how it is not my fault that your child is an evil, sycophantic bastard!

Mothers (and womanly fathers) presume that whenever their child does something wrong it is not their fault but someone else’s. This sickens me and subsequently raises my blood pressure by making me have to delete or reply to all the poorly written, obnoxious hate mail that i receive from “concerned mothers” indirectly telling me why my freedom of speech right should be taken away from me. Let me set this straight, it is not my fault that your child thinks that i am a better role model than yourself. Maybe instead of complaining about me you should spend some time with your child… time that should be used by beating your child repeatedly for treasuring every letter that comes out of my site. Take responsibility for your child instead of letting me do it.

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Want an awesome Myspace layout? Go learn HTML

This article sucks ass, the bottom bit is funny, it was… ah i expain it later down the page.

Recently i got an email from someone who i had met off of Myspace. This guy had seen my profile and liked the design. So instead of going out and making one, he asked me if i could make one for him. How much time do you think i have jack ass? No i will not make you a Myspace layout - EVER! Go learn HTML if you want a Myspace layout that bad, or alternatively get one from one of these tacky websites that put shit ass little banners in the top corner. I will help my friends make a Myspace design/layout and that is it, if i don’t know you, why would i possibly spend hours coding a HTML layout for you?

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